Mother knows best and the Christmas spirit

( I found this on my laptop from a couple of years ago so I thought I would share some Christmas joy, Mum style).

 

I have just been having a conversation with Ebeneezer sorry that should be my mother who is complaining bitterly that she has too many Christmas presents to wrap and she is never buying rolls of wrapping paper again because it’s a bloody nuisance cutting it up. She then went on to say if she is still alive next year they are all getting money.

“This is your family you are talking about” I reminded her.

“My family” she said,” if they did not act like damn rabbits, having more and more children it would be better,” it’s never ending.

She then went on to tell me that  she has received a card from her new next door neighbour, who she had taken an instant dislike to and in her words, she said:

“I was wrapping these stupid presents and I happened to lift my head up to see that big silly beggar from next door going around delivering cards so I got up to see if he had sent me one”.

“And did he” I asked.

“You what” she said,” it’s the frostiest, coldest card I have ever seen”

“At least he has sent you one” I said.

“Well he shouldn’t have bothered” she said, “he wont be getting one from me.”

I started laughing and said “Mum I feel a diary entry coming on here”; she had to laugh and said “oh yes you use me to laugh about. Anyway I might not be here next year and then just remember how happy it will make me that I don’t have to do all this wrapping for you lot”

“Oh, yes” I said “let’s look on the bright side.”

“Oh go away”, she said and hung up!

 

PS She did send her neighbour a Christmas card in return, (obviously it was the coldest looking card she could find.)

*

Online dating is not only for the young.

 

Alice flicked half halfheartedly through the TV guide another night with nothing interesting to watch on  TV. She looked across at the vacant chair in the corner. “Well Dennis she said it’s been five years now since you left this earth to go to a much better place but I still miss you and our chats”.

Puss, her black and white cat, walked up to her, perhaps instinctively knowing that she was feeling lonely, and proceeded to wrap his silky body around her legs. “Ah Puss, she said I know you love me and I love you too but I do miss having Dennis to talk to”.

Her mind wandered to the conversation she’d had with her best friend Edna who had been telling her about another friend  who had joined an internet dating site and was singing its praises saying that it had given her a complete new lease of life. “What do you think Puss, Alice said, should I look for a companion online?”

 

Puss purred loudly and standing on his hind legs pushed his nose into her outstretched hand to be petted.  “Ah so you think I should do it then laughed Alice, there is no harm taking a look”.

She walked into the dining room where she had her computer and switching it on she reflected on the days when she thought she would never be able to work a computer but with perseverance she had become a bit of an expert;  doing home banking and even online shopping.

Puss jumped up on the table snapping her out of her malaise and she laughed at him, “Now Puss she said I am busy doing a bit of research why don’t you settle down and have a little nap”. Realising that there was no more love to receive he jumped from the table into a cosy armchair and viewed her through slanted sleepy eyes.

Alice put in a search for online dating. My, my, she said to herself, all these dating sites, it’s unbelievable there must be a big market out there for people to find companionship.

She scrolled down the lists of different dating sites and then one caught her eye Mature Free and Single for the over 50’s hmm well I am 75 she thought I am a bit old for this one. Then she noticed that the site was from 50 upwards and upon further investigation she saw that she could join for free to take a look to see what this online dating was all about.

She laughed out loud.”Oh Dennis what would you say about this.then,” me looking at online dating. She knew without doubt and could almost hear him in her head saying. “Do it Alice I am all for you having a companion, why not, you don’t get out enough.”

She found it very easy and in no time she had registered her details and was confronted with lots of photographs of men seeking ladies, from all over the country. My goodness she said to herself so many people who are looking to meet other people.

 

The site was very easy to work and she found she could put filters in place so she could view people within a 20 miles radius and for the gentlemen around her age. A batch of around thirty men came up and Alice smiled to herself. Puss stretched out in the chair and gave a big yawn. “Your not much help are you Puss” Alice said no help indeed.

She looked at the photographs then over at the dresser where she had several photos of Dennis. “Not a patch on you dear she said out loud but then there was never ever anyone to match you”. One gentleman called John caught her eye; he looked very smart in his photograph so she read his profile which was very well written and all grammatically correct too. Hmm she said,” John 76, five foot 11, blue eyes and silver-gray hair” (at least he has some she thought) He had written that he had become a widower 7 years ago but missed a ladies company and although his late wife had been the love of his life he would like to meet someone to go out for the occasional lunch and perhaps the cinema.

Alice really liked the look and sound of John but would John like her. She decided that perhaps she should create her own profile and put a photograph of herself online. She knew she had a nice photo of herself which was only a few months old from her Granddaughters wedding. She followed the instructions and downloaded the photograph which went off for approval. Meanwhile she began writing about herself.

What should I write here she thought looking towards the ceiling for inspiration and noticing that there was a cobweb in the corner she walked into the kitchen and got out the feather duster because no way could she concentrate with that up their. Tut, tut, she thought that would never do.

Once the cobweb had been disposed of she sat down again and began to write a little bit about herself. Hello my name is Alice she wrote, and to be honest I can’t believe that I am actually doing this. I have been so lucky to have been married for 56 years but five years ago I lost the love of my life. I am not looking for a replacement, just someone who would like to meet for the odd lunch and who would like to accompany me to the cinema or the theater. Could that be you? She smiled and sent it off to the site.

Puss had woken up from his cat nap and jumped down circling her legs mewing for attention,” Ok Puss she said I know its your tea time I will close the computer down and check later to see if I am officially on the site”..

*

Copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise, all rights reserved

Waiting

IMG_7969

I am here waiting for you my love

lost deep within my soul

my eyes are eager to see your face

My arms want to hold you near

My spirit longs to entwine with yours

my hearts breaking piece by piece

tears fall freely from my eyes

Why are you not here

The darkness is descending now

I have pledged my love to you

Our love forever to be entwined

until the end of time

My light is dimming now

My spirit will not last long

I’m feeling cold and desperate now

I know my end is near

Soon I will leave you far behind

Our time together lost

maybe we will meet in another world

till then my love goodbye

Think!

img_5199

Think of obstacles as blessings

and then they will be

think of delays as rest periods

perhaps meant to be

think of a broken heart

as a step nearer to the one

think of the wisdom you gained

Has made you the person you have become.

.

copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise, all rights reserved.

Soul mates perhaps?

When I look in to your eyes I can see my soul

I’ve seen those eyes before somewhere

I feel your tender heart beating softly next to mine

We are one.

*

When I see your smile, you make me smile

I’ve seen that smile before somewhere

I watch your eyes sparkle with joy

 We are one

*

When I touch your hands, I feel strength

I’ve seen those hands somewhere before

I feel the warmth of your touch

We are one

*

When I kiss your lips, I feel the softness

I tasted your their sweetness somewhere before

My lips relish the thought of yours

We are one

Happiness is

 

download-3

 

 

 

 

 

 

R is for the relish, I feel when I see the word set

E is for the enjoyment from other posts that I vet

L is for loving the selection available to view

I is for the intense pleasure I feel when I do

S is for the savoring what my comments may say

H is for the happiness it brings to my day.

*

Copyright ©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise. All rights reserved

I will get it right, I will…😬

 

*

I appear to have a problem which is plain to see

 It my desire to re position things, I just can’t let things be

I change my site around weekly, sometimes even more

I get satisfaction from reshuffling, it’s something I adore

*

I seem to have this problem; I don’t know where to start

But until everything balances, I can’t control my heart

This may seem a simple problem to lots of you out there

But let me tell you something, it’s very hard to bear

*

I change the colours daily, then add a menu or two

The widgets keep on spinning; they make me dizzy too

I like to rewrite my tagline, depending how I feel that day

Then I swap it back again, because I preferred it the other way

*

Perhaps I need counselling to stop this addiction of mine

This may seem a simple problem to you, I’m sorry if I whine

I desire to be different, to have an original site

I am aware I have a problem which I’m trying to right

*

Just when I think it’s perfect, I change it again

Then spend two or three hours alter it back again

I just want the perfect website, without paying a single dime

I know I have a problem, I can see it in my rhyme

*

 No doubt I will keep doing it, until perfection can be found

I seem to have this problem, jigging things around

Perhaps it’s procrastination from doing other things

But I do get satisfaction from what my rearranging brings.

*

Copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise, all rights reserved.

Dont even think about it! 😡

cartoon-fat-girl

Don’t think about forbidding me

Restrained or disallowed I will not be

You can’t just banish me

Because what you get, is what you see

*

I’ve been vetoed many times

Expelled often for writing rhymes!

Blocked, suppressed I’ve had it all

But nothing will exclude me, or make me fall

*

Permit me to say my piece

For only then will I find release

Never say stop and raise your hand

Because this strong lady will not be banned.

*

Copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise. All rights reserved

I would not be beat! 🤓

Volunteer

tearing hair out

Victorious I feel writing this post

Offering these simple words for my hosts

Living to serve others is always my goal

Understanding given freely, is good for the soul

Nourishment I receive, for every new cause

Task of doing this post, deserves some applause

Energy I give for each word post prompt task

Exposing myself to criticism, I often bask

Relief that I feel now because it is complete

V O L U N T E E R ,  Phew, I would not be beat.

*

Copyright ©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise. all rights reserved

I’m not!

 

cartoon-fat-girl

I’m not old,

 I’m not a relic

I may be out of date

But I’m not yet decrepit

I’m neither prehistoric or a fossil 

But overtime I may become antediluvian

I’ve just aged gracefully in a time-worn fashion

  I’m definitely not  ANCIENT and I say that with passion .

*

*

Copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise. All rights reserved.

Dont fall for her charms!

welcome-to-my-web

*

Why does she think you will fall for her beauty

Giving her gifts is not your duty

Can’t you see that your feeding her greed

Is that really what you want or need

*

Are you so insecure that you need boosting up

 Are you so thirsty you drink from her cup

She will make you feel such a man

Doing what only a woman can

*

Are you caught now in her web of deceit

Sat begging like a dog wanting a treat

Is that who you really want to be

Feeding her greed for all to see.

*

welcome-to-my-web

*

Copyright 2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise. All rights reserved

Mother needs her sleep!

Mum has had a few neighbours next door in the many years that she has lived in her little bungalow. One was a lovely couple, they were very friendly, they liked their weekends away, unfortunately when they went away one weekend their granddaughter came to stay over with her boyfriend the following day this was a phone conversation that I had with my mum

 

Me: Good morning mum, did you sleep well

Mum: Sleep well you must be joking, I have been awake nearly all night. They are away next door and their granddaughter and her boyfriend are staying there.

Me: Why did that keep you awake, were they playing music?

Mum: Playing music, I wish they had been, no they were banging all night long

Me: What do you mean

Mum: I think they were doing it to annoy me

Me: Doing what?

Mum: Opening and shutting the wardrobe door

Me: what do you mean

Mum: I think they were acting the fool, banging the wardrobe door open and shut all night

 

Me: (OMG lightbulb moment for me)

Mum: I was so annoyed I got up myself and started opening and shutting my wardrobe door so they could hear me too

Me: You didn’t, tell me you didn’t

Mum: I did, I am not having it, these are old people’s bungalows, not for young people.

Me: speechless, thinking I am going to have to speak to my older sister and warn her before she goes to see Mum that afternoon

Mum: Are you still there

Me: Yes I am here.

Mum: I am going round to see them shortly to tell them that I am not having it, I think they were doing it to annoy me

Me: I would leave it Mum, they wont be there tonight because the others will be back

Mum: I don’t care, I am going round now

Then she hung up the phone, went round and told the girl in future if she stayed the night she had to be quiet, because these were old people bungalows and she needed her sleep.

*

Copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise, all rights reserved

Waiting

Waiting

wallpaper-of-a-girl-a-girl-sitting-under-the-beautiful-tree

I sit and muse, waiting under my tree

My head resting low upon my knee

Have I said something wrong to you?

Have I somehow made you blue?

The leaves do fall, yet still I’m here

Waiting for you to appear

My head still resting on my knee

Come on my love, come back to me

The snow falls now, yet I’m still here

Filled with dread, filled with fear

You cannot love me anymore

Now I know you’ve closed the door

Weary now I climb to my feet

My head hung low in defeat

Oh to see you again, if only I could

But now I know your gone for good.

*

*****

Copyright ©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise All rights reserved.

Mother knows all

 

Obviously a lot of people who live on my mum’s cul-de-sac are shall we say of a certain age! My mum might be 85 and older than quite a few of them but she does not see herself as being an old lady.

Mum noticed that the old lady across road was beginning to lose it a bit (mum’s words) apparently she was wandering around outside without a coat and walking to the local shop in her slippers. One day mum saw her going down the road to the bus stop so she rang her other next door neighbour, to tell him and he went down to the bus stop to talk her into going back home.

He came to see mum with another lady who lives in the cul-de-sac who is actually 95, Mum is not over keen on this lady and had previously told her to mind her own business when she felt she was butting in!

Now apparently the lady who had gone to the bus stop said that her grandson was in the hospital and he had been in intensive care but was now on a ward and she wanted to go and see him.

Mum took control and said, look I will ring the hospital to see if he is in hospital first and she rang the local hospital with two of her neighbours listening.This was the call:

Mum: Hello, is that the hospital

Call handler:  Yes it is, how can I help you

Mum: Well the thing is my neighbour who is losing it a bit, you know what I mean, she goes out without coat and in her slippers, well she said her grandson is in hospital can you tell me if he is.

Call handler: I will do my best what is his name?

Mum: Simon his name is Simon

Call handler:  Do we have a last name?

Mum: turning to her two neighbours, what is his last name

Neighbours: shaking their head, said we don’t know

Mum: Sorry (to call handler), we don’t know his last name

Call handler: Not to worry, what is his address

Mum turning to two neighbours, Whats his address?

Neighbours, shaking their heads, we don’t know

Mum to call handler: You must think we are a bit dim, we don’t know his address

Call handler: laughing said, no not at all I like a challenge, let me see what I can find out, do you mind holding

Mum: No we can wait. Turning to her neighbours she hissed, well you are making me look a right fool here, we don’t even know his last name or where he lives. We can’t ask his grandmother because she is away with the fairies and this call is costing me!

The older lady was cowering by now (she is scared of my mum since mum told her to mind her own business).

Mum’s other next door neighbour gets my mum, he knows how to handle her and mum likes the fact she can have a laugh with him, in fact she tells me often that she likes gay men (he is actually gay).

Call handler: Hello, I think I have found the gentleman who you are looking for he is on ward 23 in Mens Medical, would you like me to put you through.

Mum: No that’s alright, it’s not urgent we will give the phone number to his grandma she can pay for the call.

Call handler: Openly laughing now said, well you have made my day, thank you.

Mum: That’s alright, Goodbye, and hung up.

 

Copyright©2016 Elaines Bloggers Paradise.All rights reserved

Mother’s Neighbour.

Now my mum lives in a lovely little one bed bungalow, owned by the local authority in a quiet little cul-de-sac,  which has around 18 houses all with nice sized gardens.

This may surprise you to know but mum is well-known on the cul-de-sac and respected as a woman who keeps to herself but is always up for a laugh, She has had several neighbours adjoining her and there has always been some sort of drama, here is one such story.

*

After the house next door to mum had been empty for a while, some activity started. Mum has a chair near the window and she noticed that a rather large man was moving in. The day after he moved in he saw mum hanging out her washing and came out to say hello.

 

His name was John and he was a character, he was Polish and an ex-chef and he liked a laugh which suited mum down to the ground. He told her that he would make a goulash and invite her round for tea. Now mum was horrified and as I’ve said before she is not one for socializing and she declined his offer because as she put it, she was more into plain cooking.

The smells she used to complain about coming through his kitchen window!

Now John likes a drink, a bit too much really and because he was a large man he purchased a motability scooter, much to mum’s amusement he would set off after lunch to go down to the local pub for a few beers.

 

When he got back  it would bedtime and he would try to steer the scooter through the gate, not always succeeding and then go to bed, putting on his TV in the bedroom.

Now as I have said before, Mum has the ears of a bat and is a very light sleeper. She was losing sleep and patience with John. Not one to run to the Local Authority she decided she would tell him that leaving his TV on all night was not an option.

One morning she went round to his house around 10am in the morning and knocked on his door. Well she said he answered the door in just his underpants, in her words his big belly was hung over and for a moment she was speechless and forgot why she had even gone round to see him. She said she nearly passed out from the shock!

 

I wish I had been there.  When she composed herself she said. Now look John I can’t be having you leaving your television on all night, it is disturbing my sleep. She said this whilst looking down his path, anywhere rather than looking at his underpants.

“I  sorry Betty he said, I fall asleep because I am so tired.”

“You fall asleep because you have drunk too much” replied mum.

He laughed at that, thank goodness.

“You need to get some  earphones mum said or turn it off or I will have to report you”.

“OK Betty love, I will do this” was his reply.

Shortly after he was banned from driving his scooter. When under the influence he nearly caused an accident due to erratic driving; so he stopped going out.

Sadly after that he took his cooking skills up to heaven.

One of several  of Mum’s neighbours bites the dust.

*

Copyright ©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise. All rights reserved

What is trust!

copuple

*

Do you trust me

Do you trust in our love

Will you trust me forever 

You trust me to hold your heart

Can you  trust me not tear it apart

Will you trust me, see love in my eyes

Can  you trust that I will not tell you lies

Will you trust me to love you for ever more

What makes you trust I wont head for the door

Can you trust me my darling to always be there.

Will you trust me to share our love which is so rare.

*

heart

Copyright ©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise. All rights reserved

Mother Knows best 6

 

I have just given my mum a call to see how she is faring today and she sounded quite down in the dumps. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Hello, did you sleep well

Mum: Not so bad

Me: You sound fed up are you alright, how is your mate doing. (meaning the fly)

Mum:  I saw a little black speck on my kitchen floor and on closer inspection it was the fly, it’s dead.

 

Me: Well you did not want it flying round did you?

Mum: I did not mind it as long as it did not settle on my head when I was trying to have my afternoon nap

Me: Trying not to laugh, but failing, Well you had sprayed it a lot

Mum: I know

Me: So you did want it gone

Mum: It was not doing any harm really

Me: Well its gone to the great fly gravesite in the sky

Mum: I don’t suppose it had anything to eat

Me: What do flies actually eat

Mum: I don’t know.

Me: Are you going to draw the curtains as a sign of respect

Mum: Dont be so cheeky, have some respect.

Me: Why don’t you get a budgie again

Mum: I don’t want a budgie, the seed gets all over, they make such a mess

Me: Well you liked Joey (previous  budgie) when we had him

Mum: Yes until he laid an egg and we had to rename him Josephine

Me: Oh yes and we put the egg in the airing cupboard to see if it would hatch out (why did we do that ??? )

Mum: Yes we did, but nothing happened !

Me: Happy memories eh!

Mum: Hmmm

 

 Copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise. All rights reserved

Mother knows best 5

Mum was a little bit subdued this morning when I spoke to her on the phone.

“Are you okay” I asked. “NO I am fed up she said”

Whats wrong I asked her, it is unlike Mum to get fed up, she is one of the most positive people I know. This is how our conversation went:

Mum:    I’ve got a fly in the house that I can’t get rid of, I’ve had it for two weeks now and I’ve trietd everything but the thing won’t go.

Me:  Have you tried fly spray?

Mum:  Yes of course I have and I think it harmed me more than it did the fly, I was coughing for ages

Me:   Was the can facing you when you sprayed the fly (I was brave there, I would not have said that in person 😉

Mum: Do you think I am stupid or something. Of course the can was the right way round.

I thought then about reminding her that sometimes she answers the phone and it sounds like she is a long way away because she is holding it upside down, but thought better of it!

Me: Have you tried opening a window?

Mum:   YES, but every time it hears me opening the catch it goes to the other side of the room, it doesn’t want to leave me. God knows why!

Me: What about opening the back door?

Mum: Sighing, I have done that, I opened the door wide and what happened! another one flew in, a big buzzing fly this time.

Me: laughing, what! now you have two?

Mum:  Oh no, I got rid of the buzzing one, but the other one is still here. I’ve tried flicking it with a cloth but it’s too fast and it knows when I am coming for it.

Me: Are you sure your using fly spray?

Mum,  Do you think I am going senile or what, OF COURSE  I am using fly spray, I sprayed lots in the kitchen last night and shut the door. This morning I could still smell it, BUT, the fly is still alive flying round, the spray did nothing.

Me: It is fly spray, not hairspray?

Mum: Of course it is, if you have nothing else to say,  BUT IS IT FLY SPRAY,  get off the phone and leave me alone, the fly is better company than you.

Copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise. All rights reserved.

Promises, Promises

 

download-4

Promises made, Promises broken

Promises made just as a token

Promises given, just to save face

Promise broken, such a disgrace

Promises giving pleasure, such a delight

Promises made, hoping to make everything right

Promises whispered, to you and to me

Promises honoured, is what we want to see.

*

Copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise all rights reserved

I am not predictable am I ?

 

O…… is for the, Oddity, that one finds on this site!

R…… is for the, Range, of topics covered, which are such a delight

I.….. is for the,  Ingeniuity, shown in the posts

G….. is for the, Genuine, feelings expressed by the hosts

I..… is for the,Inspiration, I find from reading other blogs

N….. is for.the,  Novels exerts, that keep turning the cogs

A.…. is for the, Authenticity, shown on the site

L.… is for the, Love of writing in which I try with all my might

To eventually come up with something ORIGINAL 

Copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise all rights reserved

Flatter me not!

Flattery

6255773-woman-holding-hands-over-her-ears-girl-covering-her-ears-with-her-hands-female-closes-her-ears

Your fawning around me, how can that be

Whats with the sweet talk, why aimed at me

I don’t need admiration to make me feel good

Stop all this flanneling, I think you should

Do you think I can’t see through all your lies

It’s easy to see insincerity, it shows in your eyes

It’s all blarney, soft soaping too  

I don’t need false flattery coming from you!

 *

Copyright ©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise all rights reserved.

Mother knows best 4

 

Now before I write this latest post can I say that my mum has given me permission to write this, I have told her that people will think she is a raving lunatic but, obviously she does not agree………………….

My mother does not like unknown phone calls, indeed she refuses to answer the phone if she does not know who it is (i.e. logged in her handset) Its bad enough when I ring her on my mobile wondering if she is going to pick up.

The other day after receiving four and I mean FOUR phone calls from the same number she had finally enough, she snapped. She rang back the number to which a lady answered and the following conversation began.

Mum….. “Will you stop ringing my number

Lady  … “Who are you?”

Mum…. “You know who I am, you have rung me four times today and I’ve had enough of it, stop ringing me.

Lady… ” I have not rung you, I don’t even know who you are, who are you?”

Mum….” You know who I am”

Lady…..” I can assure you, I have not called you, whoever you are”

Mum….” I can assure you that you have, how would I have your number otherwise”

Lady…. I don’t know who you ARE:

Mum…. “You’re a LIAR, now stop ringing me”

Lady… “I’ve had enough of this, I am going to block you”

Mum…. “I am going to block you first”……. not knowing what blocking meant, she told me later she thought it meant punching someone!

The Lady then hung up and mum relayed this to my sister , my daughter and me!  She wont ring me again she said, she would not dare.

The day after Mum’s phone rang again, a different unknown number which my mum honestly believes was a friend of the lady! Callers be careful.

*

Copyright©2016 Elaine’s Bloggers Paradise all rights reserved

I know it all!

Argument

cartoon-fat-girl

I’m big,  I’m tough

That’s cos I know my stuff

I’m right, never wrong

That’s because I’m strong

You need to know, I’m always right

Take me on, you’ll have a fight

Rest assured, I get my  way

Start an argument, with me and you’ll pay.

*

Copyright©2016 all rights reserved.