Awake in the night.

Yesterday my sister and I met up with some childhood friends a lady who was a lifelong friend of my sister and her brother who was my best friend when I was young.

We had attended their mothers funeral a couple of weeks ago just as they had attended our mothers funeral in January. We had decided that it would be good to meet up for a coffee to reminisce about when we were young!

I was talking to my male friend who is a year younger than me about how we used play together all day and then sit and watch the sun go down every night talking nonstop, putting the world to rights.

He remembered it well and we both agreed that we had no idea how life would pan out for us. He has very poor health due to a spinal condition which has affected the nerves in his legs. He can’t walk very far but yet he’s accepting of his condition. 50 years on I realised why we had been such good friends, he is so positive and appreciates his life just as it is without question.

We were talking about the material things in life and I openly admitted that there was nothing that I have that I would be devastated to lose materially and he agreed. It is refreshing to talk to someone other than my husband who feels that way too. So much focus is placed on what people have or don’t have.

We all said our goodbyes and said we would meet up again. I came home and later decided to sort out some cupboards. Out went my acrylic paints , brushes and completed canvas paintings. They were a part of my past which I don’t need anymore, It felt so good to remove them and I feel cleansed. This may sound strange to some people but the less I have materially the lighter I feel.

I’m approaching another phase in my life, life should never stay still, life is fluid, life is precious and exciting and I can’t wait to see what comes next.

We are not defined by what we own or don’t own. We each have our own gifts inside us waiting to be discovered and I can’t wait to discover my next gift.

Elaine ❤️

I need to be comfortable

I’m all but pain free now after my operation the only pain I’m left with is at the top section of my chest. It’s not bad during the day but at night when I lie down in bed it hurts, even the duvet hurts. So in my wisdom I decided to buy one of these!

What is it you may ask? Well it a strapless bra top. This was my conversation with John last night.

Me: I am in so much pain I’ve bought this from Amazon

John: looking puzzled, What is it?

Me: It’s a top without straps so it should be comfortable to sleep in and keep me cool.

John: Eyebrows twitching, I hope it stretches, how will you get it on?

Me: it can go over my head but I will probably pull it up from my feet

John: hmm it must be stretchy then 😏

I let that comment go and went to get ready for bed.

Me: look at this I think it’s going to solve the problem and keep me comfortable and cool

John: Good!

Turning the light off we settled down to sleep.

Me: puffing and panting, John I think this might be a bit tight, I can hardly breathe

John switching on the light, I thought it might be, what are you going to do.

Me: please will you get some scissors ✂️ and just snip the top in the middle

John: WHAT! You want me to cut it?

Me: Yes please, if you don’t mind.

John bless him put the light on and got out of bed, then got the scissors and cut a tiny bit at the top

Me: more than that

John: okay, I don’t know why your having me do this! Why didn’t you get a bigger size!

Me: 😤 because they have to be tight to stay up!

John: Okay, is that alright?

Me: Yes but maybe you need to do the same at the bottom because it’s digging into me

John : Is that okay now?

Me: Yes thanks

He got back in to bed and turned off the bedside lamp, I tried to settle down, honestly I did. But!

Me: John

John: WHAT!

Me: it’s still too tight John, I think it needs cutting at the back too

The light switched back on and he got the scissors out again

Me: The top and the bottom, try to make it even with the front.

John: For goodness sake , why don’t you just take it off

Me: No I’ve just bought it, I’ve got to get my monies worth out of it.

John well it’s going to be fit for nothing with all the cuts in it.

Me: Just shut the light off I’m very tired

All was peaceful I could breathe but it wasn’t perfect………..

Me: John, this is the last time I promise

John: WHAT!

Me: I think you need to do the sides and then it will be perfect

John: switching the light back on and shaking his head said, “why I doing this I don’t know 🤷‍♂️

Me: I’ve had heart surgery I can’t turn round and cut the back!

John: hmm and don’t I know it 🙄 He cut it again, not as carefully this time 😟

Me: That’s so much better now, thank you

John: Good, Are you sorted now?

Me: Yes thanks

John: turning the light off said it’s hardly worthwhile wearing the damn thing. 😤Goodnight

Me: Goodnight, God bless x ………. John…… I might just put my nighty on

John: Silence.

😇

Awake in the night!

I thought I would be clever and not have a sleep during the day yesterday to see if I would sleep better in the night! Guess what, it doesn’t work. Here I am wide awake. I’m so uncomfortable lying on my back, this scar prickles like crazy and if I lay on my side my heart seems to jump around if that makes sense!

I feel like there is a lot more room in my chest which makes sense I suppose if the tumour in my heart was the size of a cricket ball 🎳 opps sorry that’s a bowling ball but my emoji’s don’t have a cricket ball! Anyway if I cough or sneeze 🤧 I feel like my heart bounces which is not a nice feeling. It’s eight weeks today since it was removed so you would think that I would be used to it by now!

I had an eventful day yesterday 😊 I went to my hairdressers house to have my hair cut, my daughter had put some blonde highlights in my hair on Sunday ( to cover the grey) 😬 which seems to be spreading, I wouldn’t mind if it was that lovely platinum colour, I would be quite happy but no it’s that in between dirty grey colour!

The lift in our apartment block decided to break down on Saturday but there was no way that I was not going for my hair cutting, I see the surgeon on Wednesday and vanity made me go down the two flights of stairs to go to my appointment. I have to admit to being worried about getting back up but not enough to cancel my appointment. ☺️

Getting back up the 30 steps was actually easier than I thought with John behind me coaching me along 😏 I put on foot on the step then brought my other foot up to join it and did four steps then had a rest, then did four more. I felt very proud of myself when we reached our apartment, in fact I might try it again. 😉

I hopefully will feel better when I’ve seen the surgeon on Wednesday and he can tell me if there will be long term effects, it’s a strange one because all my arteries were fine as was my heart, I didn’t have heart disease just a ⚾️ ( found one ) cricket ball inside my heart 💓 which distorted the size of my heart. How could I not have felt that? It amazes me.

My appointment on Wednesday is 9.15 so it will be rush hour traffic all the way. We are thinking of setting off really early to miss some of the rush then having a Costa Coffee breakfast in the hospital 🥐☕️

Anyway it’s light outside now and I need to at least try to sleep again. I’ve done a painting to help me relax and I might listen to a relaxing meditation tape.

One things for sure, I’m going to continue having a sleep during the day!

Elaine x

Awake in the night.

It’s been a while since I wrote awake in the night post not that I’ve been asleep but this is more that I’ve actually wanted to get up and write about being awake in the night!

I’m another week on with my recovery and the only discomfort I feel now is a horrible pricking sensation across the top of my chest which I’m told is my ribs knitting back together 😬 it was seven weeks last Tuesday since my surgery and even I can see how much better I look than I did prior to the operation.

My eyes are brighter and my complexion is a different colour and if it wasn’t for the zip scar and extreme tiredness which is only rectified by having a sleep I don’t think people would know that I’m not a hundred percent.

I have been having a walk around the apartment building a lot more and I’ve seen neighbours who I haven’t seen for a while. Most of them know I’ve been in hospital, news spreads like wildfire in a small apartment building!

One lady who I hadn’t seen since Christmas told me that I looked so much brighter than I had when she saw me last! Nobody knew that my mum had passed on Christmas Eve because who wants to hear news like that when its Christmas and they’re enjoying the festivities 🥳

I was supposed to have my hair cut last Tuesday but my hairdresser was ill so I’m having it cut on Monday. My youngest daughter is coming on Sunday to put me some blonde highlights in which should make me look even brighter 😃 She went for a sonogram yesterday and got the all clear, no Myxoma 😁 but she will have to be monitored every fire years because it can be hereditary.

My eldest daughter goes next Tuesday for hers so hopefully she will get the all clear too. She lives about an hour away from me and came over on Thursday to see me, we sat outside in the sunshine and had a good chat, I got a bit emotional 😭 which I seem to do more now lol, which I put down to the recent surgery and shock of it all.

I went to see my doctor yesterday for the first time and like me she was amazed that I even had a heart tumour because I showed no signs of being breathless or chest pain previously. She said she had only come across two cases in her career and never on the right hand side. She asked me if I had been given a prognosis of any long term damage to my heart because of the size of the tumour which is something that is worrying me slightly after being told in hospital that I now have heart failure. 🙄

I see the surgeon next Wednesday so no doubt he will answer all my questions. I have to be there for 9.15am to have an X-ray and ECG before I see him at 9.45am so we are going to go very early to try to avoid the rush hour traffic and have our breakfast at the hospital which has a 24 hour Costa Coffee restaurant ☺️

Well it’s 5.25am now and I need to go back to bed, my sister is visiting me later this morning and I want to be alert!

Even writing a post is quite difficult at the moment because I think I left a bit of my concentration at the hospital! So apologies if this post has rambled on!

Anyway I hope you all have a great weekend, keep smiling

Elaine x

Awake in the night and the day meltdown ! Day 7

I have to admit to having a moment this morning when a lady came to my hospital bed to take a ECG. When she had done it she stuck some other sticky things on me and said I was ready for a procedure that I had the other day 😳 I’ve had it I said, well your down for it again she replied then walked away.

I felt a rush of emotion which I knew would go two ways, either I would get angry or I would cry . My specialist was doing his rounds and came to see me and I’m afraid to say I gave him all guns blazing 🤭 Saying I was fed up of hearing one thing one day then another the day after.

He was so lovely, he said he was the boss, he had ordered no further tests and it was he who had spoken to the surgeon who was coming to see me tomorrow. He told me to rest and I was probably looking at going over to the other hospital Monday or Tuesday next week. He said that I had probably had this tumour in my heart for a long time so a few days more wouldn’t matter.

I thanked him and stood up saying I was going for a shower ripping the stickers off me as I went.

I can laugh now, my daughter thought it was hilarious and said she wished I was there. I will apologise to him tomorrow although I’m sure he understood, it’s not much fun when the wrong information is given.

I seem to be the ward councillor 😏 reassuring everyone that they will be okay, even the nurses are coming up to me and telling me their life stories and issues 🤓 I appear to have gone from an introvert to an extrovert in one week.

Sorry, I’ve got to go now, a new lady has just arrived onto the ward and is wanting to tell me her life story ……….. 😹🙄😩

Awake in the night 2

How on earth is anyone expected to get better in hospital when you can’t sleep! Yes I’m in a moaning mood today ☺️ Yesterday I had an angiography which is when they insert a wire through your wrist up towards your heart and inject a dye inside so that they can see all the arteries. If people have blocked arteries they can then put in a stent to allow blood to flow easier.

It was fascinating watching it on the big screen whilst they played 80s music in the background. My arteries appeared ok so that’s one plus. The surgeon came to see me afterwards and said that the images had been sent to the specialist heart hospital and he said he was waiting for them to tell them when they wanted me transferring across.

He explained that I would be having major open heart surgery to remove this mass that had filled one chamber of my heart. I will be in the next hospital for approx 5 days then it takes two to three months to recover at home.

After the procedure they put on this contraption, which has to stay on a couple of hours to make sure the bleeding stops.

I’m finding this all very bizarre to be honest,I don’t feel particularly unwell just really tired from lack of sleep. Hopefully I will get some today 😇 My granddaughter has suggested that I rename my blog the heart lady lol, but I told her that it’s not really something I want to dwell on.

Hope you are all ok and I will hopefully update again when I’m moving to the next hospital

Elaine x

Awake in the night!

It was my sister’s birthday the other day so I invited her out for afternoon tea at our local garden centre. Once again a large amount of sandwiches and cakes arrived at our table ( I should have learnt last time )

It was a rare treat for us to indulge but there was far too much food for us and we both ended up taking a box of left overs home .

Then last night I went with my youngest daughter to see the movie Bohemian Rhapsody and it was fantastic, I have always been a big fan of Queen, I read the book about Freddie Mercury years ago.

It’s such a tragedy that he is not with us today, he truly was a showman. Thank goodness they did found a cure for AIDS,  sadly too late for him though 😢.   If you haven’t seen the film yet check it out, I don’t think you would be disappointed.

So obviously 🙄 I’m up in the night unable to sleep because it’s too hot,  too hot in February in England or  then again maybe I’m still high from the sugar rush and excitement of my busy day yesterday. 🧁🍰 😬

Awake in the night!.

shep

 

Count your blessings one by one!

That song is going around my head at the moment, there’s  nothing like being sat amongst a room full of sick people dealing with various cancers to give you a kick back into reality.

After a positive consultation yesterday where I was described as borderline with a non life threatening blood cancer I can only feel relieved 😅

I’m booked in for a bone marrow biopsy at the beginning of March if my blood tests don’t come back better, hopefully my bloods will have improved 🙂🙃🙂

I have two choices now, to either dwell on the negatives or to look for the positives. It’s too much like hard work to dwell, it too physically draining so it stops now!

It’s time to be positive 😃

Wishing on a star 💫

 

 

I write a lot about staying in the light as opposed to the dark, which has suddenly dawned on me 😉 (get that) Dawn, Dusk 🤷🏼‍♀️

Light and dark = positive and negative.

I think sensitive people sometimes have a hard time on WordPress. Sensitive people feel other people’s pain because they can empathise.  I can go for so long then I need to retreat, to let go of other people’s feelings and emotions and also sort out my own!

Sensitive people can be disappointed by other people’s actions, wrongly assuming that everyone thinks about things as they do.

Life is not like that, we all have our own paths to follow. I am a strong believer that the more you give out in this world the more you get back. The more love we give the more we receive. 😇

Unfortunately not everything is black and white. 🤭

I am facing a few health issues myself at the moment and a new one is affecting my painting 😠. Obviously I won’t let it stop me, trust me nothing will stop me painting .

I can assure you that I’m  not looking for a pity party 🎉 🎈  Positivity is the way forward, remembering that there are always others in the world in a better and worse place than me.

 

 

Copyright © Rose Elaine’s paintings 2018, all rights reserved.

Awake in the night again!

After a wild and windy day yesterday all is calm, the full moon is shining through my window and I’m wide awake. My painting journey is taking me on so many twists and turns as I sit here in the lounge looking at so many different paintings on my wall.

Yesterday I prepared a canvas in my new-found marble effect style

Now I’m wondering what I am going to add to it 😬  First I will have to add a bit more water and smudge the colours together. I love the fact that I am no longer afraid of spoiling a painting. I’m just sometimes confused as to what to paint. Take for example yesterday’s windy day painting, I had prepared the canvas using four different colours then I splashed little drops of watery paint on top and left it to dry. I honestly thought that I had far too much paint on the canvas and tried to rub some off but it was having non of it . 😏

Every time I walked into the craft room I looked at the canvas 🤔 I was like a beast stalking its prey waiting for some sort of inspiration. I felt that I had overdone the base, what on earth was I going to add to it! Later in the day as I walked past it, I thought that it looked like a storm had hit it. I picked up my brush with no thought and started to dab paint. The beauty of these types of paintings is you cannot  really spoil them.

I can see why some of my paintings look almost childlike because I do not put lots of thought into them. I just paint . I don’t strive for perfection, which is just as well! because if I think too much about what I am doing it doesn’t work.

What I do is lie awake in the night trying to connect with something within me that will enable me to create something different. I described myself to John as feeling like a bird trying to get comfortable in my nest 🐥 this amused him no end ☺️

I am swayed towards biblical themes but I don’t think there really is a market for them even though they are well received on this here.

Perhaps I will never find my niche 😳

Perhaps I will never sleep well again!

Perhaps I am meant to suffer for my art.

Perhaps I’m getting a bit dramatic 😬

Perhaps I need a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit 🍪

hmm liking that idea. 😋

Perhaps I need to take some medication 😏

Yours sincerely,

A tortured, sleep deprived would be artist 👩‍🎨

Awake in the night !

I was awake in the night for hours due to eating too many fairy cakes that our granddaughter made for my birthday, they were delicious 😋 but gave me indigestion! Anyway, I was watching a programme on TV (with my headphones on obviously) about the great artists. The artist featured was Giotto a biblical artist.
He must have had a big effect on me because when I finally went back to bed I knew what I would be painting when I got up. I had painted it in my head!
When I woke up I couldn’t wait to put my vision onto the canvas to see if it would work. Here is the finished result.

Ascension. This is in a framed print to get the full effect.

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Awake in the night.

This is the fourth night in a row where I am wide awake in the night. Yet another night when my memory foam pillow feels like a cement block, no matter how much I turn it around, it is not playing. I threw it on the floor at one stage and got my old feather and down pillow out which at first felt so good but then in a matter of minutes felt like an old goose!

After throwing that on the floor I searched around in the dark for the memory foam and pummelled it into submission, it complied for five minutes then hardened up once again.

Then I found myself feeling guilty complaining that I had the stupid pillow and the comfort of a warm bed so in the end I’ve got up at 1.17am. I wandered into the kitchen for a drink of water. Then and felt the magnetic pull towards the quality street tin. I only have to see the colour purple and I am like a drooling 🤤 dog 🐕 trained to know when it’s feeding time.!

I opened the tin, just to have a look honest! and somehow a fudge and a coconut chocolate flew magically ☺️ into my hand. I love the magic of Christmas.

Not wanting to seem ungrateful I took pity on them and ate them quickly. I’m ashamed to confess that it’s the third tin we have had in the last three months 🤭 John takes great delight in refusing to eat any, then he can say ” well that’s another tin you have eaten ON YOUR OWN ”

My mind keeps being drawn back to The Monk who sold his Ferrari and the importance of eating what he described live food. That being alive as in grown in the ground not live animals. I definitely have lost my desire for meat but feel that I need to eat some protein (hence the quality streets) I’m joking 🙃 honest I know there’s no protein in chocolates, obviously 🙄

My problem is staring me in the face I am addicted to sugar 🤪 and after I have written this post I am going to revisit my online shopping order and remove all the sweet items from my shopping cart.  Who needs them? Not me. 🤐 My 🛒  maybe empty when I’ve done but who cares 😐😩 I am determined to cleanse my soul and body.

I prepared a canvas last night with various blue shades and that is also calling me, but like the chocolates if I look at it then I will drawn in and be painting for hours.

I am looking forward to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day which will be spent with my daughters and their families along with my Mum and of course John, yet I’m looking forward to it all being over. This may shock some of my American followers but this is my Christmas tree which is all of 8 inches high! 😳 It’s small I know but It does change colour 😊

I feel excited for the New Year because I think it will be a year of many changes. It has to be. I want to be firing on all cylinders alert in mind and body to prepare me for what I think will be the best,  yet most challenging year of my life! How do I know that? I’m psychic didn’t I mention that 😊

Now excuse me I have a supermarket cart to empty and trust me I will.Elaine x

My new regime. 😊

 

I decided after reading the book “The Monk who sold his Ferrari” that I was going to follow his advice and start a new daily regime ( is that the right word) John my editor is still laid in bed)   So basically I decided to seize the day by rising earlier.

I didn’t have a particularly good night sleep 😴 after thinking someone was chasing me I all but leapt out of bed at midnight which shook me up for a while. Then I kept looking at the bedside clock to see if it was early enough to get up. I actually almost got up at 5.45am, well my toe touched the floor then somehow jumped back into the nice warm bed.

I lay awake , all was silent and I began thinking about the doctors appointment I had yesterday, I’ve told you before my doctor is Italian and a lovely man. He knows me well now. I’m the women who is sensitive to almost every drug on the marketplace for blood pressure. I have every side effect , then more! He smiled when I went in and said “Hello, how are you doing, slip your jacket off” I was just about to tell him it was a thick cardigan but stopped myself and complied.

He took hold of my wrist , I thought he had received my test results from the MRI scan I had done recently but he just gazed up at the ceiling. Then he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said “well the good news is you have a pulse “. I replied well that’s good to hear. We both had a good laugh about that 😁

Sorry I digress, so I must have fallen asleep again because when I looked at the clock again it was 7.45am.

Right I thought, UP NOW! I won’t lie I found it difficult. I slid my feet round on the carpet to locate my slippers and walked/staggered towards the bedroom door. Shivering with the cold I pulled on my dressing gown and closed the bedroom door behind me. When I opened the lounge door it was like getting off an aeroplane after landing on some tropical 🏝 . We don’t have any heat on in the bedroom but we do in the lounge

My eyes were blinded by a strange orange colour.  Yes, we have an orange rug

img_0421 But it was also orange outside. I walked over to the window feeling I wasn’t walking in a straight line, OMG 😮 what was wrong with my feet, I looked down and realised that I had put my slippers on the wrong feet 🤭☺️ silly me.

The sky was a beautiful orangey shade, I’ve not seen sky this colour for ages because I’m usually 😴😴😴

 

This alone was worth getting up for. I thought about the monk who sold his Ferrari and remember his suggestion of eating a healthy breakfast. I made myself a cup of tea and reached into the cupboard for something healthy. Now believe me I do not know how this happened, it must have been a Christmas miracle but look what landed on my plate. 😳

img_9217

A lovely piece of cake 🍰 How did that happen 🤭

 

Obviously 🙄 I had to eat it, give me a break! At least I’ve started my newregime 😉

Awake in the night!

It’s been a while since I wrote an awake in the night post, but I can’t sleep.  I woke John up to tell him I was restless and that I had seen some children sat on the floor at the side of my bed! He just grunted, patted me like a dog and said, “It’s ok go back to sleep ”  Can you believe that 😲

When I looked at the clock it was 01.01 am. Then I was wide awake 🤔 wondering if that formation of numbers had some sort of spiritual significance and was meant to tell me something. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’ve got up to have a bowl of cereal and cold milk. I was told by a lady who I follow on the site that a cheese triangle is good if you can’t sleep but the thought of eating one of those just now makes me feel 🤢🤮 so I will give that a miss 😬

I considered doing some painting, no not the walls, on canvas but I know if I start that I will be up most of the night. Then I would get paint on my hands, living in an apartment I don’t like running the water in the night because I am considerate to my neighbours!

So if I paint I would have to go to bed and sleep with my arms raised like a surgeon who has just been scrubbed up to perform an operation! Or I could wrap my hands in carrier bags 👎Nope I can’t be doing with that.

I could watch some TV with my head phones on but I think the reason I’m awake is because I watched too much TV yesterday. I was a proper couch potato, only moving for food, mainly snack food. I was such a sloth 🙄 I watched a couple of movies. One was Joseph and his amazing coloured dream coat, the Andrew Loyd Webber musical, I love that film. I was singing along at the top of my voice until I noticed John grimacing, I thought they were good singers, he obviously does not recognise talent!  Then I watched a cheesy Christmas film called The 12 dates of Christmas, which was pretty good as well.

I think I am going to listen to my audiobook The monk who sold his Far Fiar … (can’t spell the car name) it’s one of those flashy low down cars. Basically the book is all about a lawyer who has a heart attack and sells all his belongings and goes to India and becomes a monk. He then comes back home to share his knowledge with the man he used to work with. In case you haven’t realised it’s a spiritual book 👼🏻 which takes us back to basics I.e. the importance of eating healthily, resting, meditating and letting go of what we don’t need, the material things!

I was going to listen to some of it yesterday but feasted on movies instead. Yes, I’ve decided 🤗 the Monk book it is. I will put my earphones on with the long cord and listen to it in bed. You don’t think I will get strangled if I turn over do you 😳

Catch you later to impart some more information of spiritual importance 🙂🙃🙂Elaine x

Awake in the night.

 

It’s 3 o’clock in the morning ( isn’t that a song title) and here I am sat awake thinking deep thoughts about my journey through life. Perhaps it an age thing 😬 I’ve always been healthy apart from the last couple of years which is ironic considering that it’s  only in the last few years that I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

Finally I found the right man for me, third time is a charm 😉 at last someone who gets me, doesn’t want to change me, he just wants me to be the best that I can be. My life has been a struggle, I don’t think I realised just how much of a struggle it was until now and I can’t help wondering if this invisible illness that I am experiencing is the last part of me releasing the pain I held or maybe still hold a little of inside.

Writing and more recently painting has been an enormous help too in expressing the real me. I love nothing more than starting a blank canvas with no thoughts about what I am going to paint. I am currently working on a painting which somehow is displaying my painting journey,  i.e. in that a little bit of my previous paintings are merging into one 🤔 Is it any wonder I can’t sleep!

I believe that life is a journey of experiences, lessons, happiness and pain for without sorrow how can we know happiness. I believe we have to trust in a higher force than ourselves believing that we are following the path we are meant to follow, trusting that everything happens for a reason.

We are meant to meet certain people on our journeys through life who we can both help and be helped by and I believe I’ve met a fair few of those people on here for which I am extremely grateful. So thank you 😊

Keep smiling and remember tomorrow is another day.

I feel better now so I will say goodnight and God bless 😉

Elaine x