This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’
I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood.’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work? I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’