Meltdown

I have to admit to having a bit of a meltdown this morning, actually not a bit of one, more like a massive one 😔

It was the pain that got to me, I get forgetful about taking pain relief so by the time I take it I’m hurting 🥺 I had a good talk with John and he reminded me that it is only five weeks today since I had my surgery and that I’m really expecting too much.

After my surgery I was kept in intensive care for 8 days, I remember the nights the most and talking to the nurses who kept putting a machine on my face for oxygen which felt so tight and had Velcro fasteners which tangled in my hair. I hated that mask even though it meant I could breathe easier. I hardly slept and used to watch the clock ⏰ Go round because I knew they would take it off after an hour if I asked.

A nurse would always be near and I would put my hand up and signal to her to take it off lol, she would and then would say, okay I will but it will have to go again soon. 😳

I had such good care and although every nurse and ward sister were great I had my favourites. When I first came around the day after my operation a beautiful little Filipino nurse spoke to me telling me that they were going to take out the tube that had kept me breathing. She gave me my first sip of water and made me what they call a teddy in England which was folded up material to hold against your chest for when you were moved around.

John and my daughters came to see me that day and obviously my voice was squeaky and they were shocked by how I looked even though they knew I wouldn’t look my best 😉

When the physio nurses came the day after to stand me up, I did what I was told I knew to get well I had to! But once stood my legs gave way and I slid to the floor. I remember them getting a hoist to put me back into bed and apologising, I just said it’s okay I’m fine, I didn’t hurt myself. I think I had so much medication going in through the numerous points that went into a tube via my neck that I was not totally with it.

Apparently when they had removed the tumour from my heart and done the repairs it took three attempts to restart my heart because it was going too fast they had to stop it! It’s so bizarre to think that my heart was stopped!

Which brings me round to this mornings meltdown. I think that it’s only just hitting me the seriousness of what I’ve actually had done. I’m so frustrated that I can’t do more and I can’t even climb more than a few stairs.

John and I go out now every morning for a ride in the car and I have a walk, I also walk up and down the corridor in the apartment block and do some climbing up one step and down again building it up every day. I thought yesterday that perhaps I could walk up a flight of stairs then take the lift down but after four stairs I knew I couldn’t do it!

I see the surgeon on the 3 July and I have to have a ECG and chest X-ray just before I see him.I’ve got lots of questions to ask him and although I’m dreading walking around such a big hospital I’ve got another two weeks to go before then So hopefully I will be fitter by then.

I’ve read that people can get ptsd after surgery and feel very up and down emotionally which is how I’ve felt for the last few days. Now I’m taking more pain relief, not running 🏃🏻‍♀️ before I can walk! I should hopefully settle back down and continue what seems like this never ending journey to being well again.

Just sharing my thoughts and I AM HAPPY TO BE ALIVE ❤️

Elaine x

34 comments

  1. What you went through was major. My husband had open heart surgery, and does not remember ICU, although I remember it being traumatic for me. He was given psychological treatment afterwards to deal with the trauma. It’s common. Take care.

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    1. Thanks Val, I try not to moan about it but somehow I need to get it out and it helps to write and hear other stories like you have just shared. X

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  2. Oh Elaine, we are all so happy you are alive too! But seriously, you’ve had major heart surgery very recently and have to take it easy for as long as the docs tell you to. And it probably takes months not weeks. You will feel better eventually, but remember it takes time to heal fully. I mean, having your rib-cage sawed open then stapled together is never going to be a barrel of laughs, is it? Sending lots of healing vibes your way (and loads of hugs of course) ❤

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  3. You have been terribly brave and positive through a challenging procedure. I think surgery can trigger a mourning process; denial, anger, bargaining, depression then acceptance. You had a major procedure and its okay to be sad, mad, tired, or however you feel. I admire your walks and getting out of the house. I’m glad you have loving family around to nurture you. Thinking of you, Rebecca

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    1. Thanks Rebecca, I am in the main positive but being human I have my dips . I wasn’t bothered about having the surgery because one I knew I didn’t have a choice and two it happened so quickly, I didn’t know how bad I would feel after 😬🙄

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  4. Good heavens, Elaine, don’t make me come over there!  Take it easy!  NO stairs, a few steps walking for a while…don’t be so impatient to endanger yourself.  They let you fall to the floor? I wouldn’t consider that good care.  They tried to lift me in one of those hoists, I wrote a blog post about it.  It was after I broke a bone in my hip.  What a torture device…it would have been less painful to stand up myself.  Please be careful!🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPad

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    1. It didn’t hurt me but I was obviously away with the fairies 🧚‍♀️ memories keep coming back now . I must be processing it all. I feel much better now xx

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  5. What a journey! I am SURE I would have had a few meltdowns by now. Glad to hear you are healing. I think this is just part of the process – which is good, right? 🙂 Thinking of you!

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  6. You had a very major operation Elaine. I cannot imagine the shock of it all – finding out you had such a big tumour in your heart, then having massive surgery. It is amazing that you have come this far and remained so upbeat. xx

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    1. Thanks Bridget, I feel better for sharing how I was feeling. I actually feel better inside now than what I did pre surgery. No doubt I will have up and down days for a while. ❤️🌹

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  7. Sad to hear you have such a day. The surgery was a very difficult thing for you to go through, but you have also got so far from where you were a couple of months ago. Stay strong and continue to be your positive self! 😊 Hope everything will continue to get better for you and also thanks for keep stopping by my blog! 😁

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  8. I am so sorry to hear that you have been feeling like this. Just remember, you have had a huge heart surgery and after these kind of procedures it takes months of recovery to return back to your previous level of function, especially when you don’t have any symptoms. Take it easy, one step at a time and don’t expect too much of yourself. It is normal not to be able to run or go up a hill or flight of stairs after something so significant. One step at a time love. Please take things slowly. I would like to send you one of my handmade AllheART cards? Where can I send it to?

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      1. I remembered you made me an angel artwork with a turquoise background for Dysautonomia Awareness Month last year and that was so lovely because nobody ever thinks of me and so I just wanted to be able to give back as painting and making handmade cards for others also going through difficult times helps with my recovery.

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  9. I’ve had surgeries where I’ve not really got my head around going in, then when I’ve come out I’ve kept myself busy and distracted (aka stressed out) so I’ve not thought about it.. eventually it hits and it can hit hard. You’re absolutely right about how much you’ve been through, it was incredibly serious and you’re one tough cookie. It’s frustrating feeling so limited but it’s those small steps that are eventually going to add up and get you better. More pain relief, more rest, little things when you can manage them to look forward to, like the drive in the morning or some painting on the afternoon. We all think you’re doing amazing, so I hope you can see just how brilliantly you’re doing too.  ♥ ♥ ♥

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